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Dear APPA,

I wait beside you, waiting for you to open your eyes and say let’s go home, what are you wasting your time here for?
I wait here for you to open your eyes and give me that innocent smile
I wait here for you to just get up and tell me lets leave this place
And then there’s the flash of reality that speaks to me in a deep voice, ”Who are you talking to? There’s nobody here asleep or even beside you”.

That’s when I realise, I’ve talked to myself and been playing this monologue for years and years now. But it never fails to surprise me and surplus the reality check card to me.

I speak in my head to you and draw a silhouette of how and what it is to be with you and what I would do with you around me.
You would probably be my reflection protecting me day in and day out.
You would probably be my best friend that I failed to make one.
You would probably be my crazy partner that I always crave.
You would have probably fought the world for me to keep me safe in your arms.
You would have made sure and supported all my choices and my decisions, even if they were the worst of the lot.
You would have reminded me of what it is to be a noblewoman.
You would have chosen the right person and I would have had no second thoughts and second you with all the choices you made for me.
You would have been the IDEAL man/person I look up to and you would have been the person who taught me to put my head down only to pick up myself and not in times of question.
You would have been everything I dreamt and dream of even how as on this down with tears running down my cheek.
Well, only if you knew what it’s meant to have a life of question, a life of judgements, a life of disrespect.
I do not miss you Appa, I miss the person I drew in my mind

If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you make me feel your presence at the beginning?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you fight for my birth?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to make me realise your absence that will haunt me for life?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to protect me and not let me build my own armour?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you even have to come in the first place?
Why did you even create a little one like me?
Why were you even there, when you knew you weren’t going to be here for long?
Why did you?

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Hey there, a little birdie

Hey there, a little birdie,

Fly high, far away, far from this sky

I can’t guarantee you the safety

For I hold a grudge in me

For I hold a hardship within me

For I hold a dreadful day within me

Maybe, you’ll be safe on another sky

Maybe, you’ll be safe in your nest

Maybe, you’ll be safe on the canopies

Maybe the sky fades and does to safeguard you every day

Hey there, you little birdie

Fly fast and swift as you can

Because I can’t assure you another dawn, another dusk.

If we ever cross paths,

I hope we find in peace

I hope we find in a piece

I hope we find in heaven

I hope we find in happiness

I hope we find…..

Hey there, you little birdie!

May you fly with your wings open

Spread them so big and vast that even the clouds shy away

Spread them so massive and immense that even the gods know your potential

Spread them so huge and broad that even the humans know you are in charge of the sky, the land and the sea!

Remind us that you belong here and not us

Remind us you aren’t meant to be caged

You aren’t meant to be clipped

Remind us, if your wings were made of metal, the shackles of the cage won’t stand concrete

Remind us you’re decisive

#PRIDE🏳️‍🌈

Homophobia and Transphobia are always misread and misspoken about. There’s always that sense of fear that is still present in every single individual around the world who is trying to come out and be the person they want to be. And it is not just once that they have to convince people. It’s all the time when people talk and pick on them for their sexual choices. Every individual by birth is not sure of his/her orientation. And it is very important to know that, judging someone by their orientation or having an opinion is so wrong at this point in time.

There’s often a lot of people who ask you about your orientation, who ask you about your choice of individuality.
Well, I do know everyone’s thinking back on their mind this is not new for them and it isn’t the first time something like these that they have to face. It has been there through aeons that people have to fight for who they have to be and want to be.
We fought for freedom only to be shackled by the societal boundaries
we fought societal boundaries only to be shackled by our family
We fought family only to be shackled by our brain.
We are and we will keep fighting the shackles we’ve made for ourselves in our brain.
A set of shackles that have lasted decades… When one fades, another appears and the cycle continues!
When people decided to finally break these harnesses and walk free, they were obstructed by a new set of challenges and barricades.

We want to live in a world that is less judgemental, less opinionated and a society that doesn’t have advice ready and free when it is not applicable in their own lives. We need people to treat everyone as mere people, that is all we ask for. That’s when we the society will support any individual with love, compassion and RESPECT!

Well, some people think of it as a disease or a disorder or some kind of syndrome that can be fixed with just a pill or by any treatment. Think about it, if it was a condition, then so many people wouldn’t have it and it could’ve been a PANDEMIC years ago and like what we’re doing today, the quarantine would’ve existed for years and probably existed till date. If it was so easy to fix it, then maybe we should’ve invented a vaccine that could be used to fix millions of people across the globe. Let’s believe in something today, love is love. There are no thresholds, there are no choices, there are no specifications, nothing! We are not caged organisms that we have to have a set of rules and regulations even for the way we want to live and to love. We have to have freedom of choice, freedom of happiness and freedom to be in love. And now that freedom is out there, unrestricted and open.

Every time somebody questioned me
I painted myself with a colour
I painted red when it hurt
I painted orange when it was dusky
I painted yellow when it was bright
I painted green when it was numb
I painted blue when it seemed to be soothing
I painted violet when it was cliche
I painted all colours on me
I looked like a rainbow shining high and bright from the vessel of gold
I checked on me if I was the gold? The hidden golden pot where the rainbow arises
I looked deeper in me only to realise, I painted myself in PRIDE!
My pride colour is a rainbow!
And I’m proud of my pride!

There’s somebody, who says that my eyes are pretty.
There’s somebody, who says that there’s a sparkle in my eyes.
There’s somebody, who says I have a beautiful smile and that in turn makes them smile
There’s somebody who always reminds me that I’m pretty
I hope you find somebody too. That somebody who reminds every single day that you’re beautiful inside out.
I hope that somebody is you, yourself.
Every day, when you look at yourself you know that you are beautiful in all the way possible!

LOVE IS LOVE! 🏳️‍🌈

TURNING 25!

The day you’re born they call it your birthday. And they celebrate it as the most mesmerising day when you’re young, as you grow old, it fades out, you know that most of your family won’t even remember it’s your birthday or it’s a special or an important day to you.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who tell you, “You know what? We’ll make this birthday of yours special, we’ll cut the cake, we’ll spend the entire day chilling together”. But when the day arrives, you know they don’t even remember what they said to you, they don’t even know if you’re doing okay, they won’t know anything about you.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who will call you throughout your birthday month just to remind you it’s your birthday.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you through your birthday month, now call you a week before to say, I remember it’s coming.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who call you a week before, now call you the previous day to tell you it is tomorrow.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the previous day, now call you maybe at 12.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you at 12 will now call you the next day morning.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the next day morning, call you mid-afternoon and slowly the next year it is an hour before the day ends and slowly and gracefully it’s the end of time until you remember a friend of yours existed, that one who wished you throughout but now doesn’t even remember what day it is.

Birthdays might not be a big day for most of us, but a wish, prayer is all that someone asks for. Your wish might just light up their day from being a disaster to a good one. Maybe not all birthdays are always happy and happening, most birthdays are quiet, alone, lonely and no hype at all, regardless of how bad or good it was the previous years.

As you grow, you’ll realise it’s just another day in your calendar and just another to breathe through with heart full of expectations and mind full of joy. But let’s face it, your expectations and your joy have no value when you think about it sooner or later.

As you grow, you’ll see how things fade into the dark, from having a big group to a small circle to a couple of them and then it finally comes down to just that one person who values you and knows it’s your day and they want to make sure you’re happy. Maybe they’ll fail too, but yeah effort is all that matters. You’ll end up messing your own day, you’ll end up taking things personally (well all of us are emotional beings).

Maybe birthdays are meant to be just another day on the calendar.

TURNING 25!

Life changes, thoughts changes, emotions change, you reach a point where you feel nothing or say anything, and you just grow old, and grow numb.

TURNING 25, IT IS!

BONDS

A strong relationship that you make with someone. Some relationships last longer than you think and some last lesser than you expect them to.

Some relationships come so unexpectedly and they remind you of how happy you could be, what life means and what happiness could look like. And some relationships remind you how not to be in life, what choices not to make and what are the worst decisions one could do.

Some people come as a blessing. Some people come to remind you what a blessing looks like and what a curse is. When people change, remember its for a good thing and sometimes it’ll remind you to be a happy person. Learn to let go off people, and never hold them back. People are like sand granules, they just slip in between the gaps of your hand the last of the last granules that stay fist in your hand are the only people that stand by in your life. 

Some people will make you feel like home, make you feel like you’re the world and they’re your world. But sooner or later things will change and you will eventually get used to small talks, shorter texts, missing replies, no callbacks and no texts. You’ll sooner or later get too comfortable with your loneliness and won’t have a place for the one who caused you this. You will also realise, there’s no part of you that’s left to hold you back in one piece or hold that person or any person back in your life. You will evolve and become that person, you fail to recognise in years and situations to come. You will fail to see the good in any situation and only look at what’s bad about it. You will learn and hate your self for not prioritising yourself over anybody else. If priorities had a meaning that would be now! 

When…..

Dreams shatter 

Words fade

Opinions differ

Hearts heavy 

Minds messy 

Eyes full 

Sit down and write what matters and what doesn’t. 

Learn to prioritise and you’ll feel a little better, Maybe. 

And today, 

When I sit here in the dark looking at the hue of night and the darkness:

I wait for the sign to build-up

I wait for the hope to begin 

I wait for the ray to lighten 

I wait for the light to brighten 

I wait for the dark to fade 

I wait for the black to darker

I wait for the colour to deepen 

I wait for the night to intoxicate 

I wait for the stars to kill 

I wait for the moon to fill

Sitting here in the dark

I wait, I wait and I wait……

MENTAL HEALTH – DEPRESSION

Medically, depression is defined as a mental health disorder characterised by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

Let’s get some facts upright. It isn’t like movies, where you see a girl sitting by the corner of her room and peeping out of the window, with unwashed hair and wrinkled skin and dark circles eyes. No that isn’t how these true beauties look like. These dark circles are drawn with makeup, their hair is set by stylists, they even wear perfectly curated branded clothes.

True beauties have the most flawless skin in the world. They have an ever sparkling eye with no dark circles around. Their smile seems so seamless and picture-perfect. Their beauty has no comparison to anything in this world. Not like your celebs but a naturally amazing beautiful woman! These people I’m talking about was around you throughout the day, doing their job just fine, maybe more than just fine, maybe close to perfection.

Depression can be really disturbing and worrisome. People do not talk about it to anybody and everybody and they do not express what they feel either.

It’s an all-day-long contradiction, something like these.

Some days, I’m tired mentally, somedays I’m tired physically, some days it’s both, but there’s never in between.

Some days it’s haunting. Some days are unusually calm.

Some days I want to cry, some days I want to sit still and never talk.

Some days are happy. Some days are way too chaotic. Some days you don’t know what it is.

Some days you see all your nightmares walking in front of you. The demons in your mind come down and walk in front of you as though they own you.

Some nights are never-ending. Some nights wouldn’t even start.

Some days … I wish somebody asked how my day went. And some days I wish nobody spoke to me.

Some days it’s me talking and hindering myself and my thoughts and keep myself distracted and reminding myself it’s going to be alright. Some days I wish somebody actually listened and help me get through that day.

It is not an easy thing to get over this clinical condition. It takes a lot of understanding, talking and believing that this is just a phase. Not all times you’ll be able to do this, but keep trying. You do know anything that comes in easy won’t last long. You can always try out different things and see what can help you the best and where can you be by doing something that defines your mental state. Maybe just go ahead and spill paint on a paper or scribble or even write it down in a note pad. Maybe that’ll make your heart and your mind a little less heavy. There is nothing wrong in seeking help, go out and talk to people you really know will understand you and help you get through your day. Take a course, read and play, get some fresh air. Spend some time alone watching the sunrise and sunset.

Always, remember nothing lasts longer, not even you. This won’t last long either if you believe this is a phase and walk along with it and one day even before you realise you’ll be out of this mental health condition!

Keep trying and remember to seek help!

MENTAL HEALTH – ANXIETY

Anxiety medically defined as Intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.

As a person who is suffering out of this and at this point of time where everything seems to be in halt and affecting all our perspectives about life. This probably could give people an insight into what it really feels like do be the one undergoing anxiety.

A person who is anxious suffers from breathing disabilities because there’s a choking pressure in their neck not because of somebody literally doing it to them but it is a thought or feeling to best describe it. A lot of other people feel differently, there’s a sudden breakdown, there’s a sudden flash of pain, people feel everything around them seem to shatter, there’s so much to add to this. A lot of people do not certainly feel the same, it varies from person to person and a lot of them struggle in expressing what this emotional wreckage is all about. It is a big burden and a big struggle to get over these phases.

Let me sketch you down to some of my personal experiences on this. There are days when you can’t seem to be getting sleep, I’ve gone on weeks without having adequate sleep for a day. There are days where I’m emotional down, I just need a teeny tiny prick to get it out of me. There are days where I’m so frustrated and I can’t seem to be holding back them from letting out all on people. There are days where I don’t want to leave my bed. There are days where I have body pain for no reason, it could be my back, feet, headache, shoulders and the rip a vary from time to time. Some days it’s pure exhaustion, physical and cognitive. Some days I don’t seem to be getting enough attention from people, some days they are stepping too much. Some days I need a person physically next to me, some days I can’t even hear their voice over the phone. A lot of days it’s purely teared up eyes and me struggling to hold them back from flowing. I’ve had days at work where I just can’t do anything more and I need a break from everything, a vacation perhaps, but then they don’t seem to be sufficient too. I’ve had days of random breakdowns at work and struggling to hold your tears back in and give away the fake smile to your kids who look up to you. However, I’ve realised that smile shouldn’t have lasted, that smile shouldn’t have even shown up, maybe I should’ve let it flow down and let my kids know that I’m struggling through life as much as they do, but maybe with different things. You know why? They look up to every personality in me and some even consider as a role model, if you’re going to be that role model who is good at putting up that fake smile and getting along and not letting your emotions through, then you’re creating the same sense in those young minds. Some days you’re hallucinating, that can scare every part of you and push you to harm you in all forms. You’ll enter a delusion and struggle for months to get out of it, some even struggle years.

Now that you know what a person feels like, let me tell you what causes this. PEOPLE! Yes, you heard it right. PEOPLE cause it.
You would’ve come across a narcissistic person at some point of time. It could be your family, it could be your sibling, it could be your friends, your colleagues, your partner or even some you probably adore. For the once who do not know what a narcissist is, it is a person who is all about one’s self! By default, we’ve evolved into an environment full of narcissist and narcissism as a baseline criterion to be part of the ”group”. Some people don’t even know they live and are a narcissist. Some times it’s not even people, it’s memories that once belonged these people. The memories that do not seem to have gotten and eaten enough of you but still wants to take each inch of your flesh and feed on it when you cry out of pain and for help.

Now, we know the cause and symptom (medically speaking). Let me tell you what the treatment is, well it just needs two things. More like two important potions to be a little less anxious in an ever-evolving and an ever expecting society.

  1. Love/care/affection.
  2. A right person

Yes, you heard me again, Love from the right person is all that you need to get you out of this. The trust that person builds you with is so very crucial. A person that sits next to you and listens to what you’re feeling, without judging you or having a preexisting perspective about you, plays a major role. The cause and the treatment for a mental health condition are going to be a person, not necessarily the same person but it does need a person to help you get through this. A state of mind to accept it, not accepting the situation but accepting and working to grow with yourself to get yourself out of this is so vital. Be prepared to feel overwhelmed, hallucinated and irritable throughout this period. You will have to fight through your days, through a smile, a tear, a person and a day. When you learn that you’re realizing these things and you know that you want to get through this is also the day you should start setting your soul and your mind at peace with the situation.

You will always call that one person in your life to talk about this, could be your partner or your friend, someone from your family, someone from your workspace. But believe me, this is that person you’ve decided to invest all your trust in. And that person may or may not reach up to your state of mind, be prepared to accept to.

Battling mental health can be burdensome at times, but it’s never the end of the earth.

Combat it with the best of your smile, with the best of your energy and trust me, you’ll get through it one day! 😊

THE HAPPY PLACE!!!

A happy place, sounds very familiar?

A place? Or happy?

What is it?

Let’s understand!

A happy place is an emotion, that connects you to that one person you want to spend all your time with.

It’s that person’s touch that leaves you with chills running down your spine. That touch that feels like never before. That touch that takes you to places, like time travel. That touch that instantly puts a smile on your face. That touch that you know for sure it is that person and nobody in this world can ever make you feel that way.

It’s that person’s hug that gives you the perfect warmth. That hug that calms your soul down and excites your neurone to release more serotonin. That hug that you wait days and months and year’s together. That hug even when hugged more than ten time’s a day still feels like it’s the first time you hugged that person. That hug is so special to you, and you hate to share. That hug that makes you feel like home. That hug that’s the safest place you could live and die in.

It’s that person you want to crawl up to on a bad day or on a happy weekend. On a rainy day, you want to sit beside them sipping your coffee and playing with the rain. On a sunny day, you want to go out to the beach and get some tan on. It’s always going to be that person popping up to remind you that “Everything’s going to be okay”. And if that isn’t your happy person, then there’s nothing happier in this world.

And remember, it always doesn’t have to be a person who is your happy place, for me, it is a person, a person full of love, smiles and a safe place!

It could be a location, a specific spot at your room, doing art, reading a book or anything!

A happy place is a place of pure happiness and the purest of pure love!

I found my happy place!

I hope you find yours too 🙂

A teacher

We, teachers, stand in front of you in the class talking about our subject of expertise, putting back all our emotions!

I know all teachers will agree to this.

We’ve given our years to educating people.

We’ve sacrificed our weekends preparing for class when you students, slept till midday.

We’ve devoted our lives to the institution we work in.

We’ve given no priority to our personal life, but to yours. 

We’ve given no limelight on our health, but to make it up to work every single day. 

We’ve not spent hours crying on period cramps and scratching headaches and back pains that are killing us on the inside, but instead, we stood there in front of the class having the smile we can as if nothing’s happening internally just to teach you.

We’ve had our hearts broken probably over the weekend, but turned to school Monday morning without even complaining about fighting those Monday blues.

We’ve cried ourselves to sleep so many nights, and walked into the class the next day with our smile brighter than the sunshine.

We’ve been humiliated, looked down upon by people, by parents, colleagues, friends and the last but not the least you dear students. For not being able to stand in front of you in times of emergency, when we couldn’t deal with one situation that arose in the class when we didn’t know the answer to a question you asked. But well, you all forget more than 50% of the content that we teach by the end of the hour if we start picking and look down on you. You’re going to be running into suicide pits. 

We need therapies to get to do our day to day work, why? Stress! As simple and as funny as it sounds when people ask us? What are you stressed about? Work? Do you just teach? Keep the book and go on ranting from it! 

Well, that’s not the only thing we do as teachers, we cater you’ll more than your parents do! 

Most of us forget our family and keep wondering why was that girl so quiet today? Why was that boy absent today? Is she okay? Is he doing well? And so much more. 

So much to worry about. So much to think about than any other professions do.

People often ask me, why do you think this profession is the most priceless thing to do? Well, if there wasn’t a teacher or an educator behind every individual who is either doing great or a failure to this world, the world wouldn’t have anybody to tell you what to do and what not to. There’s no profession that educates all the other professions out there available for you. 

But there’s one thing, that hinders me and bothers me the most and that’s what lead to me write this. 

We, teachers, failed to do one thing and we will continue to fail in that. 

That’s not teaching them, the subject 

That’s not giving them, life lessons

That’s not giving them, morals 

That’s giving them a sense of gratitude! 

Where I as a teacher, today feel and agree strongly than anything so far, and that’s igniting the sense of having gratitude to every person who went through arrows to be there for you and give you a life worth living!