Relatable

LIFE GIVES YOU MANY CHOICES, some choices you’re happy with, some choices you’re unhappy with.

Choices that you make, choices that you neglect

Choices that make you grow, choices that you rethink.

Lots and lots of choices.

So this whole thing is inspired by this Tamil movie called “Naveena Saraswathi Sabatham” (literal translation, New Goddess Saraswathi Oath). As funny as it sounds, that is the name of the movie. Yet a good watch, good story line, great acting by a few stars and some realistic connections that could be made.

So why? What? Was the thing about that movie?

So Lord Shiva in that movie say that what we have seen in the past to what we see today, a lot has changed, from his perspective. So he goes on to say that Life gives you two choices/opportunities. You have the first opportunity to either accept and move forward, or remain stagnant and give up. And the second opportunity appears at an unexpected time. Again you have a choice to either stay or move forward or try and then give up midway.

This got me thinking, about why and how is this possible?

So I decided to think deeper and understand what he’s trying to say. This led me to thinking of the decisions and choices I have made.

If I had studied well in 11 and 12, then I would’ve done Medicine, and today I’d be a doctor.

If I had made the right choice and made the right set of friends circle, maybe I’d feel more motivated about what I was doing then and what kind of decisions I made back then.

When I got into my bachelors and got a bit serious about my education. 

Maybe after my Bachelors, when I got the opportunity to do Marine Biology, I should’ve taken that. 

Maybe today I’d be either a survivor, or a rescuer, or somebody who died between the 2015/2016 Tsunami.

Maybe if I had studied in the international universities when I got an opportunity, maybe I’d be doing my PhD today.

Maybe if I had been a little more motivated after my Masters, Maybe I would’ve gotten my PhD now, and I’d officially be a Doctor.

Maybe be if I had chosen a different industry rather than teaching, then I’d be in a different industry in a much more capable position.

Maybe be if I hadn’t made the choice to go to Rajasthan wouldn’t know what is the real wildlife is and wouldn’t know how hard is it to survive in the wild, how hard it is to live in scorching sun and how hard it is to live in-between of nowhere.

Maybe if I hadn’t gone there, I wouldn’t have found the most important person in my life.

Maybe if I hadn’t found that person. Then maybe I wouldn’t be in Pune.

Maybe if I hadn’t been in Pune, then I wouldn’t have worked with one of the biggest developers

Maybe if I wasn’t working there, and I was adamant about being an academician, then maybe I would’ve started a new position in a brand-new organization.

I think our choices are always choices, either one of them will lead you somewhere.

Something’s might be destined and something’s may not.

But, the growth factor in either of the paths could be different.

All of us have choices.

All of us have choices that are given at one point of time.

The choice that you make will lead you into a path. And it is a very, very important when we look at it with a perspective where we as individual are going. Because when I look at my friends from school or colleges, whatever the career paths they’ve chosen some are doctors, some are engineers, some are PhD, some are actors, some are big achievers.

Everybody was given a choice, all of us had a choice at a point to make. The choices that they’ve made have led them somewhere, while my choices have led me here.

I have no regrets about the choices that I have made, and that is the most important thing about growing.

This is the most important thing about how one will define their growth, their own streamlined lifestyles.

Choices are going to be difficult, choices are going to be easy.

Choices are going to be shielded, choices are going to be molded.

Choices are going to be choices!

But it’s alright, take a chance, make that choice!

Make the choice that is the most relevant.

I remember hearing this, “You do not have to make the decision that is always difficult, you can always make the decision of choosing an easy path. You’re going somewhere, you’re achieving something.”

Our life is all about the experiences that you earn and that you get. And it’s never going to be about how well you have achieved in your path. Because it is your path. It’s your choice, and it is your life, and there is no comparison on a parallel person to it.

It is okay if you made a bad choice, and you failed.

It is okay if you made a fantastic choice, and you succeed.

Sometimes our choices might be the best, but it might not end the best.

Sometimes our choices might be terrible, but it might take you somewhere really great.

Sometime these choices will make you feel amazing, and that is what life is all about.

Life is all about, choosing what is relevant, what is important, what is priority that time!

And that choice will lead you to where you have to be.

Because some things are destined, and some things are in your hand.

You will rewrite your destiny by putting in 200% of your effort and be a good student to your life.

It’s all about making the right choices!

It’s all about the choices!

It’s always difficult to treat everything and everybody equally. It’s a difficult task; it’s also because you’re in a dilemma between choosing the right and the wrong, your heart and your mind, your soul and your body, short-lived and long-lived and so on…

It’s like the YIN and YANG. You see the good in the bad and the bad in the good.

And then you realise and understand how important it is to balance between things and keep all your attributes together in a single origin. It’s more like juggling, you need to focus and pull your attention together in one piece. If you lose your focus, then we know what’s happening at the circus!

Let me give you an example, and this is an overwhelming moment when I think about it now. Ever heard of a person struggling to get through boards and people constantly reminding them that it is not their cup of tea. Well, I’m here to represent all of them! I’m not a topper in my 10th or 12th grade. But in fact, I scored “First class and second class, respectively.” But today when I stand here I have over 100 eyes watching me, eager to learn, happy to be there and most importantly respect me. And right after my boards, I knew I didn’t want to do Medicine or Engineering and I knew what exactly I wanted, Pure science it was and I got through one of the finest colleges and I managed to excel let’s say “ACE-IT” and then my masters and so on but the point here is, I was broken, hurt, humiliated and traumatised when I knew I couldn’t perform well when people questioned my performance and when people have this standard statement towards you, we expected more from you. I even had uncomfortable thoughts, but there was this one strong feeling that kept running in me, “This is not the end of the world. You’ve got a long way to go. Pull your socks up because the rides going to be messy.”

Today I’m so proud of myself more than anybody else can ever be. Because I gave myself a chance to do what best I can and I believed in my potential more than anybody else did and I say this to myself and to people who ask me “why is this situation everlasting?”. It’s simple, “this is not the end of the world or end of a war, it’s the beginning of a strong rage and a fresh battleground for you to fight to reach your spot not by hurting, disrespecting someone but by treating them equally and moving forward with a vision to reach your finish line.”

And every time you think you’re closer to the finish line and you see it right in front of you, it’s more like a mirage effect, a few seconds later you realise it’s not the truth it’s an illusion you created. And you see finer, deeper and longer obstacles standing in front of you, blocking your path. But you also know deep inside you, that you’ve passed through a stronger phase and this is not going to be a bigger struggle and you will get there one day.

Remember, the desire to reach the FINISH LINE is what will drive you crazy and drag you there and let it drag you in the most horrifying pattern because when a warrior arrives back from the battlegrounds it’s not the victory that speaks, it’s the battle scars that carry the tale for aeons.

You and I had been a thing even before we knew we were a thing.

You and I held hands like kids who held their parent’s hands tight at a fare.

You and I, watched the evening sky like it was the only moment we were meant to be.

You and I, laughed at each other’s jokes and stupidity like we’d never laughed.

You and I walked up and down the stairs like a new child learning to walk.

You and I discovered each other like Columbus discovered America.

You and I, kissed as we had never kissed.

You and I took a deep breath and smiled and every finger touching each other’s skin like it was all pleasure sensors activated.

You and I shared every word we were unable to share in years spent together.

You and I welcomed love like no other would.

You and I found each other in places nobody could’ve thought.

You and I looked into each other like the stars stare into the dark sky.

Love walked into our lives unexpected and unseen. Love brought us together on nights and days we couldn’t pick ourselves up. Love taught us there’s no other above the person and most importantly YOU. Love showed us to walk together and walk away at times when we needed comfort and when we needed space. Love told us it was important to trust each other.

Love showed us that we wear baggy clothes, fitted jeans, walk with no makeup, dark circle under the eye, acne beautifully adding blush naturally, hair unkept still adding light, chocolate all over your fingers and around your lips still puts a big smile on me.

We knew our stubbornness to hold on and never let go is the only emotion that gets us through all difficult days.

We learnt that our days can get harder and worse as time passes but together we will step in and walk stronger.

We saw that not all days of our lives are going to be lovely.

We know our lives aren’t going to be colourful, but there will be dark days.

Today we sow the seeds of love for us to grow older and wrinkly.

And I can’t be grateful for us for pulling it through!

To all the hearts that yearn for the love, for the sight of their partner, for love alone.

It was that day of my life where I walked into my med school, holding my apron like an award-winning celebrity. I walked into the college holding my head high up and walking through the corridors like a star. Talking to myself this is where I am supposed to be, this is where you have to be and today you are here. I smile, smile hearing my voice say to me, look at you here, finally! Years passed by, months passed by, days passed by and here I was graduating as a doctor. I held my stethoscope tight and well gripped and knew what to do with it. Well, who would have thought I’d be a doctor someday yet I was here proud, anxious, scared and happy.

Well, my graduation didn’t just end, but that was the beginning of the pandemic. I walked into the hospital where I was given the duty of being a junior doctor at a covid facility?!

I watch doctors and nurses run around and juggling between patients.

I watch patients breathe their last and breathe their first.

I watch patients smile with tears of joy and tears of pain.

I watch patients sing and dance and rest there with no movement.

I watch everyone eagerly waiting to get home!

Well….. My ears hear every breath of a human, and my eyes watch them cry for help, yet my hands are tied and I can’t stop the virus from entering you until you decide to stay indoors. I can’t assure you every time somebody walks into the hospital while families wait outside yearning to hear about their loved ones. But you don’t want to hear us out.

For one last time, I here ask you to stay home, cuddle with your soul, with your loved ones, and stay happy. Because I no longer bear the strength to lose another life, I see my end coming closer and closer. I rest my hands upon you as I close my eyes for one last time in hope of seeing you smile.

Yours lovingly, Young doctor.

An open letter to acknowledge that you exist, that you rationalise everything and anything that brings us together.

To all the nights waiting for you to show up and tell me you were here for me.
To all the days I kept ranting and venting all that I couldn’t share.
To all the times you heard and acknowledged everything I told you by just coming back over n over again.
Thank you!

I still remember as a child running up to the terrace every evening just to see if you came down to visit me if you were here to hear me speak all about my day. As a child, I thought best friends were the people you played with, you shared your food with, but as I grow up I slightly deviate from this notion of my own and realise it’s you who stay consisted for over 20 odd years.

I sat there by the corner making sure not to be in trouble and secretly holding my life in my hand fearing the dark and the ghosts! (of course). I stumbled upon words and told you all that felt like pain, pleasure, anger, sorrow, happiness, sadness, joy and everything nice. Yet, you stood there by me listening to it all the time. You never thought I needed something more from you, I needed words of affirmation, I needed a touch of acceptance, I needed a hug of assurance. You still stayed and proved me wrong every time I lashed out at you and told you, you should say something to me. Every time I broke a piece of me, and I walked to you and said nothing or maybe everything and yelled in pain and misery. You kept proving to me all the time I just needed someone to listen to and someone who stayed by me no matter what I did. Maybe that’s how our relationship works. Maybe that’s how our friendship is meant to be. But quite unlikely that’s not how human-human interaction works. It’s moulded by words of encouragement, touches of confidence and hugs of value. But I walked too far on this and stayed real close to you and cherished our relationship a little more than I did that of my fellow beings.

You do come across so many relationships like mine. Yet, you don’t decide who is first and second, who is important and who isn’t, who is your priority and who isn’t. And that is yeh beauty of you, that shines equally at all times, that shines bright at all times and that brings in the same emotion at all times to all of the people who bond with you.

You stayed by me all these years and yet I yearn for your presence even on days of no moon. You come by and visit me by the window even when I don’t walk up to you anymore. Maybe this is how adulthood is supposed to be, maybe this is how growing up and walking away from people you love is supposed to be and maybe just maybe this is how relationships wear out!

Oh dear, Moon, my best friend!
My best friend from when I knew what a reflection is, you’ve been by me and I’ve failed to be by you on days you can’t walk back to me. I’m here today to say thank you for staying up with me through darkness and light, through right and wrong, through thick and thin!
With heavy heart, eyes filled with tears, blood running with adrenaline, I here confess to you, though being by you for years and learning so much from you, I’m still a mere human and I fail you like anybody else like any other human would fail me over n over again.

I salute you for your courage and hoping and trusting every single time in humanity and humility and me and in every soul that walks up to you!

Thank you for being the star of so many humans and so many fellow beings!
And again today I will keep you in my memory and count you in my blessings, Oh my dear, the moon!

All of us are born with dreams. We are asked to dream bigger and brighter and always look at a larger picture!

But nobody ever speaks about how shattered one could feel every time something breaks inside of you. Nobody ever says how disappointing it is to have no dreams left in you, no courage to build another, no bravery to dream one LAST ONE!

Every night we go to bed with the hope of waking up the next day and being able to achieve something. It breaks piece by piece to just know you can’t be the person you dream to be.

A lot of us are asked to dream but never to live them.

A lot of us are asked to believe in dreams but never to dare to attempt them.

A lot of us are asked to be the person we desire but never to be THAT person.

All of us are of course given opportunities to grab it and reach the next stage. But there are always so many circumstances, so many obstacles to walk and so many milestones to stumble upon.

Some days you feel a little less heavy and some days you feel your heart pounding in pain.

Some days you feel the calmness of the waves and some days it’s a raging tsunami in you.

Some days it’s the cold breeze and some days it’s a storm hitting you on your face.

Some days it’s the early sunlight kissing your face and some days it’s that sunburn your face red.

Some days I want to mourn and some days I’ve got no tears to mourn.

Some days I want to let go of all that hurts and some days I just can’t seem to gather my words.

Some days I feel full and whole and some days empty and vacant.

I see my dreams scattered in front of me. I feel my thoughts scattered all along. I see my absence not matter to any. I see my presence add no value to them. I was swept off my feet only to fall so deep and so shallow and break not just my heart but to paralyse myself for a lifetime.

Shattered are those people who dream of doing great things and achieve bigger.

Shattered are those people who wanted a life of wholesomeness.

Scattered and shattered are everyone!

Scattered thoughts!

Shattered dreams!

I sit there on the terrace, a quiet evening where I watch the sunset and stars rise above making the evening even more mesmerising.

I think to myself what a wonderful evening?

I pick up my phone and text you, “Hey, I wish you were here! It’s a pleasant evening and it would be beautiful to fall asleep hugging you tight.” I smile like a fool looking at my text imagining the exact same thing. And I put my phone down hoping you’d see and text back saying “I wish that too. But nevertheless, imagine me there right beside you is cuddling.”

But little did I know you’d not see my texts and answer my phone for days. And not even check up on me.

Now, I sit here all by myself reflecting on my decisions and where did I go wrong? And what did I do to deserve this? I realised, I just wasn’t with the right person and I just didn’t the signs hanging out in the air

I’ve always been that person who never thought who could be sad or who could get over things very fast. People would call me “The happy child”. I was always tagged with this. Nobody knew what it would feel like to break on the inside and not being able to speak what you feel and what you think.

Somedays are too chaotic outside, somedays on the inside, somedays you don’t know what is chaotic, somedays you don’t know what is it that’s bothering you, is it an external factor or an internal factor or is there even a thing that exists that bothers you?

As I grew up, I always knew how to hide everything behind the smile and every emotion covered with that smile that created positivity for everyone around. I thought I was talented enough to do so, I was talented enough to keep all emotions safe inside and not let go of them.

But then…

I met this person, who changed a lot about me and in me.

An angel that made me feel, this is where I belong, this is the person I need to live with and this is where your emotions have to be shared.

That person turned out not just to be my Goddess or my angel, but…

Turned out to make me feel protected against all the odds like a FATHER does to his child.

Turned out to make me feel loved, cared and wanted only my happiness at all times, like a MOTHER.

Turned out to be the shoulder I needed to shed my emotions like a BEST FRIEND.

That person fixed so many unknown and incomplete spaces in the puzzle.

That person was also the reason the puzzle could never be complete, it was this person that I always needed to complete my self and that person fit in so perfectly that, the beauty of the puzzle revealed to be a better one than the image on the cover of the box.

That person turned out to fit so perfectly unlike all the other puzzle pieces that tried to fit into the empty spaces.

Maybe that’s the reason it felt so chaotic before because there were so many spaces that could never be complete and all the people kept competing to fit themselves into it, leaving major scars and bruises so deep that could never be erased.

Maybe that is why the path was always so hard and filled with obstacles and it took long years to reach this destination.

As they say, every good thing comes with a price and takes a lot of time and patience to reach.

And now every obstacle and hardship is revealed to be so fruitful.

And that person be it yesterday, today or tomorrow or years to come will always remain YOU!

You’re the reason behind all my happiness in these years.

They’ve been days even without knowing you’ve just made me feel so complete and so important and loved.

When I thought the lights are never going to be lite, you walked with so much glow like the sun and lightened every single cell in me.

When I thought it’s never going to be a beautiful sight, you walked in with your smile and made every single aspect to be so beautiful.

When I thought I’m always going to feel the spaces between my fingers to be empty, you put your hand and covered all of them even the tiniest space possible.

When I thought I’ll always have the seat next to me empty no matter what the path is going to be, you sat down on that seat, not just sat down on that seat but you sat down on the driver’s seat and now you take me to places I’ve never been and I thought I’d never can reach.

When I thought that dreams are going to always be scary and emotionally kill me, you walked in there too and made sure the fears and the emotions fade out completely.

When I thought I could never have someone all to myself, you walked in and said “YOU ARE MINE”, even before I could say it to you.

When I thought it’s never going to be happy, you walked in as the HAPPINESS all in you, even without your knowledge.

Even without saying anything, you just complete me in all possible ways and you’ll always be the reason for me to feel happy and content. You’ll always be there behind each of my smile and each of my thought and each of my spell and each of my prayer. Your love has changed me so much that today I want to be happy and I want to feel all the happiness by just sharing all my days with YOU. Today, even without speaking a word you know what I feel, you know what I’m thinking and you know how chaotic it is up in the head and you know how to fix it too.

You’re my happy place, you’re my support system, you’re my happy shore, you’re my goddess, you’re my angel and you’re my everything! This is you for me forever and beyond.