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Dear APPA,

I wait beside you, waiting for you to open your eyes and say let’s go home, what are you wasting your time here for?
I wait here for you to open your eyes and give me that innocent smile
I wait here for you to just get up and tell me lets leave this place
And then there’s the flash of reality that speaks to me in a deep voice, ”Who are you talking to? There’s nobody here asleep or even beside you”.

That’s when I realise, I’ve talked to myself and been playing this monologue for years and years now. But it never fails to surprise me and surplus the reality check card to me.

I speak in my head to you and draw a silhouette of how and what it is to be with you and what I would do with you around me.
You would probably be my reflection protecting me day in and day out.
You would probably be my best friend that I failed to make one.
You would probably be my crazy partner that I always crave.
You would have probably fought the world for me to keep me safe in your arms.
You would have made sure and supported all my choices and my decisions, even if they were the worst of the lot.
You would have reminded me of what it is to be a noblewoman.
You would have chosen the right person and I would have had no second thoughts and second you with all the choices you made for me.
You would have been the IDEAL man/person I look up to and you would have been the person who taught me to put my head down only to pick up myself and not in times of question.
You would have been everything I dreamt and dream of even how as on this down with tears running down my cheek.
Well, only if you knew what it’s meant to have a life of question, a life of judgements, a life of disrespect.
I do not miss you Appa, I miss the person I drew in my mind

If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you make me feel your presence at the beginning?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you fight for my birth?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to make me realise your absence that will haunt me for life?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to protect me and not let me build my own armour?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you even have to come in the first place?
Why did you even create a little one like me?
Why were you even there, when you knew you weren’t going to be here for long?
Why did you?

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Hey there, a little birdie

Hey there, a little birdie,

Fly high, far away, far from this sky

I can’t guarantee you the safety

For I hold a grudge in me

For I hold a hardship within me

For I hold a dreadful day within me

Maybe, you’ll be safe on another sky

Maybe, you’ll be safe in your nest

Maybe, you’ll be safe on the canopies

Maybe the sky fades and does to safeguard you every day

Hey there, you little birdie

Fly fast and swift as you can

Because I can’t assure you another dawn, another dusk.

If we ever cross paths,

I hope we find in peace

I hope we find in a piece

I hope we find in heaven

I hope we find in happiness

I hope we find…..

Hey there, you little birdie!

May you fly with your wings open

Spread them so big and vast that even the clouds shy away

Spread them so massive and immense that even the gods know your potential

Spread them so huge and broad that even the humans know you are in charge of the sky, the land and the sea!

Remind us that you belong here and not us

Remind us you aren’t meant to be caged

You aren’t meant to be clipped

Remind us, if your wings were made of metal, the shackles of the cage won’t stand concrete

Remind us you’re decisive

I’m tired…

I’m tired of being the adult in the family
I’m tired of being the head of the house
I’m tired of being the face of the family
I’m tired and exhausted
I’m tired and need a break
I’m tired of running from my life
I’m tired of seeing my dreams broken
I’m tired of being taken for granted
I’m tired of being surrounded by opportunists
I’m tired of told what to do and not what I want to do
I’m tired of being thrown away like a broken hair strand
I’m tired of being lost in the air
I’m tired of holding back
I’m tired of being stuck in today, in tomorrow and in forever
I’m tired of feeling broken
I’m tired of feeling empty
I’m tired of caring
I’m tired of speaking and listening
I’m tired of everything and anything around me and about me!

All I need is to run from this world into the cosmos and never return.
All I need is an escape from reality and to restore my senses.
All I need is a ctrl+alt+del
All I need is calm
All I need is ME!

Can I have me?
Can I have time to hold still?
Can I ask for not being the version of me I am today?
Can I ask people why they did, what they did?
Can I ask why me?
Can I ask why not me?
Can I just ask?

Can the calmness engulf me in complete armour and drag me and sink me to the bottom of the earth’s crust away from the human race?

Can I escape?
Can I not feel tired ever again?

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY BEST FRIEND,

An open letter to acknowledge that you exist, that you rationalise everything and anything that brings us together.

To all the nights waiting for you to show up and tell me you were here for me.
To all the days I kept ranting and venting all that I couldn’t share.
To all the times you heard and acknowledged everything I told you by just coming back over n over again.
Thank you!

I still remember as a child running up to the terrace every evening just to see if you came down to visit me if you were here to hear me speak all about my day. As a child, I thought best friends were the people you played with, you shared your food with, but as I grow up I slightly deviate from this notion of my own and realise it’s you who stay consisted for over 20 odd years.

I sat there by the corner making sure not to be in trouble and secretly holding my life in my hand fearing the dark and the ghosts! (of course). I stumbled upon words and told you all that felt like pain, pleasure, anger, sorrow, happiness, sadness, joy and everything nice. Yet, you stood there by me listening to it all the time. You never thought I needed something more from you, I needed words of affirmation, I needed a touch of acceptance, I needed a hug of assurance. You still stayed and proved me wrong every time I lashed out at you and told you, you should say something to me. Every time I broke a piece of me, and I walked to you and said nothing or maybe everything and yelled in pain and misery. You kept proving to me all the time I just needed someone to listen to and someone who stayed by me no matter what I did. Maybe that’s how our relationship works. Maybe that’s how our friendship is meant to be. But quite unlikely that’s not how human-human interaction works. It’s moulded by words of encouragement, touches of confidence and hugs of value. But I walked too far on this and stayed real close to you and cherished our relationship a little more than I did that of my fellow beings.

You do come across so many relationships like mine. Yet, you don’t decide who is first and second, who is important and who isn’t, who is your priority and who isn’t. And that is yeh beauty of you, that shines equally at all times, that shines bright at all times and that brings in the same emotion at all times to all of the people who bond with you.

You stayed by me all these years and yet I yearn for your presence even on days of no moon. You come by and visit me by the window even when I don’t walk up to you anymore. Maybe this is how adulthood is supposed to be, maybe this is how growing up and walking away from people you love is supposed to be and maybe just maybe this is how relationships wear out!

Oh dear, Moon, my best friend!
My best friend from when I knew what a reflection is, you’ve been by me and I’ve failed to be by you on days you can’t walk back to me. I’m here today to say thank you for staying up with me through darkness and light, through right and wrong, through thick and thin!
With heavy heart, eyes filled with tears, blood running with adrenaline, I here confess to you, though being by you for years and learning so much from you, I’m still a mere human and I fail you like anybody else like any other human would fail me over n over again.

I salute you for your courage and hoping and trusting every single time in humanity and humility and me and in every soul that walks up to you!

Thank you for being the star of so many humans and so many fellow beings!
And again today I will keep you in my memory and count you in my blessings, Oh my dear, the moon!

ABSURD?!

All of us are born with dreams. We are asked to dream bigger and brighter and always look at a larger picture!

But nobody ever speaks about how shattered one could feel every time something breaks inside of you. Nobody ever says how disappointing it is to have no dreams left in you, no courage to build another, no bravery to dream one LAST ONE!

Every night we go to bed with the hope of waking up the next day and being able to achieve something. It breaks piece by piece to just know you can’t be the person you dream to be.

A lot of us are asked to dream but never to live them.

A lot of us are asked to believe in dreams but never to dare to attempt them.

A lot of us are asked to be the person we desire but never to be THAT person.

All of us are of course given opportunities to grab it and reach the next stage. But there are always so many circumstances, so many obstacles to walk and so many milestones to stumble upon.

Some days you feel a little less heavy and some days you feel your heart pounding in pain.

Some days you feel the calmness of the waves and some days it’s a raging tsunami in you.

Some days it’s the cold breeze and some days it’s a storm hitting you on your face.

Some days it’s the early sunlight kissing your face and some days it’s that sunburn your face red.

Some days I want to mourn and some days I’ve got no tears to mourn.

Some days I want to let go of all that hurts and some days I just can’t seem to gather my words.

Some days I feel full and whole and some days empty and vacant.

I see my dreams scattered in front of me. I feel my thoughts scattered all along. I see my absence not matter to any. I see my presence add no value to them. I was swept off my feet only to fall so deep and so shallow and break not just my heart but to paralyse myself for a lifetime.

Shattered are those people who dream of doing great things and achieve bigger.

Shattered are those people who wanted a life of wholesomeness.

Scattered and shattered are everyone!

Scattered thoughts!

Shattered dreams!

To OOTY,

The year 2020 has been quite uncertain and unruly, and this was a much-needed break!

The journey to Ooty was filled with excitement, anxiety and expectations. The path seemed longer and longer.

36 hairpin loops led to the queen of hill stations. Every loop decluttering my mind like a ball of yarn on run. Every loop seemed to be giving me clarity and striking away a set of thoughts and discomforts. Every loop seemed to take me to the clouds, clearing my pathway to the skies. When I reached the top it was a greater sense of sight and an envision of purity in the wilderness. The night set in and the excitement for another day kicked in. Waking up to the most beautiful feeling of being there and being in the right circumstance is a feeling all by itself.

I walked into the woods and I embraced it and you let me own it. I gave myself to you with no second thoughts and you gracefully wrapped me. The greenery seems to have been filling up my veins with pleasure and happiness. I knew how to be touched right and how to feel like a human being and you were the one that gifted me the moment to do so.

The sun had a toll on me slowly. The rays seem to be driving me high over my feet and talking deep into me and speaking to me the truth, the voice of gods, the voice of destiny. Reminding me that I wasn’t alone in everything I had to face and to battle through. Adding strength to my nerves the rays seem to be playing with my mind and creating high levels of serotonin in my brain and gushing down my body, tip to toe.

The fresh air of the garden gave me so much positivity and so much joy that can’t be put down in words. Waking up to the serene nature and having the feeling of just being there and not worked up about anything. Being there alone was not a feeling of loneliness or being there just by myself, it was a feeling of completeness… I was at peace!

Nature loves you more than what people could offer you. She offers so much peace, care, affection, forlorn and comfort. Shower her with the same and you’ll know how evolving she is and how accepting she could be.

I stood there at the edge of the lake watching the water ripple back n forth just the way my thoughts were rippling. Stagnant yet moving, yet moving trying to break through the rocks, through the hills, through the trees. I watched the sun go down and darken the setting and set the mood for a perfectly imperfect match mind. The words spoken by your presence vows made at your seat, still seem to be lingering in each of those ripples. A perfect sense of acceptance, dignity attained, the righteousness of owning up to the person for all the dishonour they may add upon you. All those dismay shed upon you seems to be resonating within you. But one thing that I knew was it to be set aside and looked at the colours of the sky, fading away and blooming into more marvellous alluring feeling.

#PRIDE🏳️‍🌈

Homophobia and Transphobia are always misread and misspoken about. There’s always that sense of fear that is still present in every single individual around the world who is trying to come out and be the person they want to be. And it is not just once that they have to convince people. It’s all the time when people talk and pick on them for their sexual choices. Every individual by birth is not sure of his/her orientation. And it is very important to know that, judging someone by their orientation or having an opinion is so wrong at this point in time.

There’s often a lot of people who ask you about your orientation, who ask you about your choice of individuality.
Well, I do know everyone’s thinking back on their mind this is not new for them and it isn’t the first time something like these that they have to face. It has been there through aeons that people have to fight for who they have to be and want to be.
We fought for freedom only to be shackled by the societal boundaries
we fought societal boundaries only to be shackled by our family
We fought family only to be shackled by our brain.
We are and we will keep fighting the shackles we’ve made for ourselves in our brain.
A set of shackles that have lasted decades… When one fades, another appears and the cycle continues!
When people decided to finally break these harnesses and walk free, they were obstructed by a new set of challenges and barricades.

We want to live in a world that is less judgemental, less opinionated and a society that doesn’t have advice ready and free when it is not applicable in their own lives. We need people to treat everyone as mere people, that is all we ask for. That’s when we the society will support any individual with love, compassion and RESPECT!

Well, some people think of it as a disease or a disorder or some kind of syndrome that can be fixed with just a pill or by any treatment. Think about it, if it was a condition, then so many people wouldn’t have it and it could’ve been a PANDEMIC years ago and like what we’re doing today, the quarantine would’ve existed for years and probably existed till date. If it was so easy to fix it, then maybe we should’ve invented a vaccine that could be used to fix millions of people across the globe. Let’s believe in something today, love is love. There are no thresholds, there are no choices, there are no specifications, nothing! We are not caged organisms that we have to have a set of rules and regulations even for the way we want to live and to love. We have to have freedom of choice, freedom of happiness and freedom to be in love. And now that freedom is out there, unrestricted and open.

Every time somebody questioned me
I painted myself with a colour
I painted red when it hurt
I painted orange when it was dusky
I painted yellow when it was bright
I painted green when it was numb
I painted blue when it seemed to be soothing
I painted violet when it was cliche
I painted all colours on me
I looked like a rainbow shining high and bright from the vessel of gold
I checked on me if I was the gold? The hidden golden pot where the rainbow arises
I looked deeper in me only to realise, I painted myself in PRIDE!
My pride colour is a rainbow!
And I’m proud of my pride!

There’s somebody, who says that my eyes are pretty.
There’s somebody, who says that there’s a sparkle in my eyes.
There’s somebody, who says I have a beautiful smile and that in turn makes them smile
There’s somebody who always reminds me that I’m pretty
I hope you find somebody too. That somebody who reminds every single day that you’re beautiful inside out.
I hope that somebody is you, yourself.
Every day, when you look at yourself you know that you are beautiful in all the way possible!

LOVE IS LOVE! 🏳️‍🌈

TURNING 25!

The day you’re born they call it your birthday. And they celebrate it as the most mesmerising day when you’re young, as you grow old, it fades out, you know that most of your family won’t even remember it’s your birthday or it’s a special or an important day to you.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who tell you, “You know what? We’ll make this birthday of yours special, we’ll cut the cake, we’ll spend the entire day chilling together”. But when the day arrives, you know they don’t even remember what they said to you, they don’t even know if you’re doing okay, they won’t know anything about you.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who will call you throughout your birthday month just to remind you it’s your birthday.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you through your birthday month, now call you a week before to say, I remember it’s coming.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who call you a week before, now call you the previous day to tell you it is tomorrow.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the previous day, now call you maybe at 12.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you at 12 will now call you the next day morning.

As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the next day morning, call you mid-afternoon and slowly the next year it is an hour before the day ends and slowly and gracefully it’s the end of time until you remember a friend of yours existed, that one who wished you throughout but now doesn’t even remember what day it is.

Birthdays might not be a big day for most of us, but a wish, prayer is all that someone asks for. Your wish might just light up their day from being a disaster to a good one. Maybe not all birthdays are always happy and happening, most birthdays are quiet, alone, lonely and no hype at all, regardless of how bad or good it was the previous years.

As you grow, you’ll realise it’s just another day in your calendar and just another to breathe through with heart full of expectations and mind full of joy. But let’s face it, your expectations and your joy have no value when you think about it sooner or later.

As you grow, you’ll see how things fade into the dark, from having a big group to a small circle to a couple of them and then it finally comes down to just that one person who values you and knows it’s your day and they want to make sure you’re happy. Maybe they’ll fail too, but yeah effort is all that matters. You’ll end up messing your own day, you’ll end up taking things personally (well all of us are emotional beings).

Maybe birthdays are meant to be just another day on the calendar.

TURNING 25!

Life changes, thoughts changes, emotions change, you reach a point where you feel nothing or say anything, and you just grow old, and grow numb.

TURNING 25, IT IS!

BONDS

A strong relationship that you make with someone. Some relationships last longer than you think and some last lesser than you expect them to.

Some relationships come so unexpectedly and they remind you of how happy you could be, what life means and what happiness could look like. And some relationships remind you how not to be in life, what choices not to make and what are the worst decisions one could do.

Some people come as a blessing. Some people come to remind you what a blessing looks like and what a curse is. When people change, remember its for a good thing and sometimes it’ll remind you to be a happy person. Learn to let go off people, and never hold them back. People are like sand granules, they just slip in between the gaps of your hand the last of the last granules that stay fist in your hand are the only people that stand by in your life. 

Some people will make you feel like home, make you feel like you’re the world and they’re your world. But sooner or later things will change and you will eventually get used to small talks, shorter texts, missing replies, no callbacks and no texts. You’ll sooner or later get too comfortable with your loneliness and won’t have a place for the one who caused you this. You will also realise, there’s no part of you that’s left to hold you back in one piece or hold that person or any person back in your life. You will evolve and become that person, you fail to recognise in years and situations to come. You will fail to see the good in any situation and only look at what’s bad about it. You will learn and hate your self for not prioritising yourself over anybody else. If priorities had a meaning that would be now! 

When…..

Dreams shatter 

Words fade

Opinions differ

Hearts heavy 

Minds messy 

Eyes full 

Sit down and write what matters and what doesn’t. 

Learn to prioritise and you’ll feel a little better, Maybe. 

And today, 

When I sit here in the dark looking at the hue of night and the darkness:

I wait for the sign to build-up

I wait for the hope to begin 

I wait for the ray to lighten 

I wait for the light to brighten 

I wait for the dark to fade 

I wait for the black to darker

I wait for the colour to deepen 

I wait for the night to intoxicate 

I wait for the stars to kill 

I wait for the moon to fill

Sitting here in the dark

I wait, I wait and I wait……