I wait beside you, waiting for you to open your eyes and say let’s go home, what are you wasting your time here for? I wait here for you to open your eyes and give me that innocent smile I wait here for you to just get up and tell me lets leave this place And then there’s the flash of reality that speaks to me in a deep voice, ”Who are you talking to? There’s nobody here asleep or even beside you”.
That’s when I realise, I’ve talked to myself and been playing this monologue for years and years now. But it never fails to surprise me and surplus the reality check card to me.
I speak in my head to you and draw a silhouette of how and what it is to be with you and what I would do with you around me. You would probably be my reflection protecting me day in and day out. You would probably be my best friend that I failed to make one. You would probably be my crazy partner that I always crave. You would have probably fought the world for me to keep me safe in your arms. You would have made sure and supported all my choices and my decisions, even if they were the worst of the lot. You would have reminded me of what it is to be a noblewoman. You would have chosen the right person and I would have had no second thoughts and second you with all the choices you made for me. You would have been the IDEAL man/person I look up to and you would have been the person who taught me to put my head down only to pick up myself and not in times of question. You would have been everything I dreamt and dream of even how as on this down with tears running down my cheek. Well, only if you knew what it’s meant to have a life of question, a life of judgements, a life of disrespect. I do not miss you Appa, I miss the person I drew in my mind
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you make me feel your presence at the beginning? If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you fight for my birth? If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to make me realise your absence that will haunt me for life? If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to protect me and not let me build my own armour? If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you even have to come in the first place? Why did you even create a little one like me? Why were you even there, when you knew you weren’t going to be here for long? Why did you?
It was that day of my life where I walked into my med school, holding my apron like an award-winning celebrity. I walked into the college holding my head high up and walking through the corridors like a star. Talking to myself this is where I am supposed to be, this is where you have to be and today you are here. I smile, smile hearing my voice say to me, look at you here, finally! Years passed by, months passed by, days passed by and here I was graduating as a doctor. I held my stethoscope tight and well gripped and knew what to do with it. Well, who would have thought I’d be a doctor someday yet I was here proud, anxious, scared and happy.
Well, my graduation didn’t just end, but that was the beginning of the pandemic. I walked into the hospital where I was given the duty of being a junior doctor at a covid facility?!
I watch doctors and nurses run around and juggling between patients.
I watch patients breathe their last and breathe their first.
I watch patients smile with tears of joy and tears of pain.
I watch patients sing and dance and rest there with no movement.
I watch everyone eagerly waiting to get home!
Well….. My ears hear every breath of a human, and my eyes watch them cry for help, yet my hands are tied and I can’t stop the virus from entering you until you decide to stay indoors. I can’t assure you every time somebody walks into the hospital while families wait outside yearning to hear about their loved ones. But you don’t want to hear us out.
For one last time, I here ask you to stay home, cuddle with your soul, with your loved ones, and stay happy. Because I no longer bear the strength to lose another life, I see my end coming closer and closer. I rest my hands upon you as I close my eyes for one last time in hope of seeing you smile.
I’m tired of being the adult in the family I’m tired of being the head of the house I’m tired of being the face of the family I’m tired and exhausted I’m tired and need a break I’m tired of running from my life I’m tired of seeing my dreams broken I’m tired of being taken for granted I’m tired of being surrounded by opportunists I’m tired of told what to do and not what I want to do I’m tired of being thrown away like a broken hair strand I’m tired of being lost in the air I’m tired of holding back I’m tired of being stuck in today, in tomorrow and in forever I’m tired of feeling broken I’m tired of feeling empty I’m tired of caring I’m tired of speaking and listening I’m tired of everything and anything around me and about me!
All I need is to run from this world into the cosmos and never return. All I need is an escape from reality and to restore my senses. All I need is a ctrl+alt+del All I need is calm All I need is ME!
Can I have me? Can I have time to hold still? Can I ask for not being the version of me I am today? Can I ask people why they did, what they did? Can I ask why me? Can I ask why not me? Can I just ask?
Can the calmness engulf me in complete armour and drag me and sink me to the bottom of the earth’s crust away from the human race?
An open letter to acknowledge that you exist, that you rationalise everything and anything that brings us together.
To all the nights waiting for you to show up and tell me you were here for me. To all the days I kept ranting and venting all that I couldn’t share. To all the times you heard and acknowledged everything I told you by just coming back over n over again. Thank you!
I still remember as a child running up to the terrace every evening just to see if you came down to visit me if you were here to hear me speak all about my day. As a child, I thought best friends were the people you played with, you shared your food with, but as I grow up I slightly deviate from this notion of my own and realise it’s you who stay consisted for over 20 odd years.
I sat there by the corner making sure not to be in trouble and secretly holding my life in my hand fearing the dark and the ghosts! (of course). I stumbled upon words and told you all that felt like pain, pleasure, anger, sorrow, happiness, sadness, joy and everything nice. Yet, you stood there by me listening to it all the time. You never thought I needed something more from you, I needed words of affirmation, I needed a touch of acceptance, I needed a hug of assurance. You still stayed and proved me wrong every time I lashed out at you and told you, you should say something to me. Every time I broke a piece of me, and I walked to you and said nothing or maybe everything and yelled in pain and misery. You kept proving to me all the time I just needed someone to listen to and someone who stayed by me no matter what I did. Maybe that’s how our relationship works. Maybe that’s how our friendship is meant to be. But quite unlikely that’s not how human-human interaction works. It’s moulded by words of encouragement, touches of confidence and hugs of value. But I walked too far on this and stayed real close to you and cherished our relationship a little more than I did that of my fellow beings.
You do come across so many relationships like mine. Yet, you don’t decide who is first and second, who is important and who isn’t, who is your priority and who isn’t. And that is yeh beauty of you, that shines equally at all times, that shines bright at all times and that brings in the same emotion at all times to all of the people who bond with you.
You stayed by me all these years and yet I yearn for your presence even on days of no moon. You come by and visit me by the window even when I don’t walk up to you anymore. Maybe this is how adulthood is supposed to be, maybe this is how growing up and walking away from people you love is supposed to be and maybe just maybe this is how relationships wear out!
Oh dear, Moon, my best friend! My best friend from when I knew what a reflection is, you’ve been by me and I’ve failed to be by you on days you can’t walk back to me. I’m here today to say thank you for staying up with me through darkness and light, through right and wrong, through thick and thin! With heavy heart, eyes filled with tears, blood running with adrenaline, I here confess to you, though being by you for years and learning so much from you, I’m still a mere human and I fail you like anybody else like any other human would fail me over n over again.
I salute you for your courage and hoping and trusting every single time in humanity and humility and me and in every soul that walks up to you!
Thank you for being the star of so many humans and so many fellow beings! And again today I will keep you in my memory and count you in my blessings, Oh my dear, the moon!
All of us are born with dreams. We are asked to dream bigger and brighter and always look at a larger picture!
But nobody ever speaks about how shattered one could feel every time something breaks inside of you. Nobody ever says how disappointing it is to have no dreams left in you, no courage to build another, no bravery to dream one LAST ONE!
Every night we go to bed with the hope of waking up the next day and being able to achieve something. It breaks piece by piece to just know you can’t be the person you dream to be.
A lot of us are asked to dream but never to live them.
A lot of us are asked to believe in dreams but never to dare to attempt them.
A lot of us are asked to be the person we desire but never to be THAT person.
All of us are of course given opportunities to grab it and reach the next stage. But there are always so many circumstances, so many obstacles to walk and so many milestones to stumble upon.
Some days you feel a little less heavy and some days you feel your heart pounding in pain.
Some days you feel the calmness of the waves and some days it’s a raging tsunami in you.
Some days it’s the cold breeze and some days it’s a storm hitting you on your face.
Some days it’s the early sunlight kissing your face and some days it’s that sunburn your face red.
Some days I want to mourn and some days I’ve got no tears to mourn.
Some days I want to let go of all that hurts and some days I just can’t seem to gather my words.
Some days I feel full and whole and some days empty and vacant.
I see my dreams scattered in front of me. I feel my thoughts scattered all along. I see my absence not matter to any. I see my presence add no value to them. I was swept off my feet only to fall so deep and so shallow and break not just my heart but to paralyse myself for a lifetime.
Shattered are those people who dream of doing great things and achieve bigger.
Shattered are those people who wanted a life of wholesomeness.
The year 2020 has been quite uncertain and unruly, and this was a much-needed break!
The journey to Ooty was filled with excitement, anxiety and expectations. The path seemed longer and longer.
36 hairpin loops led to the queen of hill stations. Every loop decluttering my mind like a ball of yarn on run. Every loop seemed to be giving me clarity and striking away a set of thoughts and discomforts. Every loop seemed to take me to the clouds, clearing my pathway to the skies. When I reached the top it was a greater sense of sight and an envision of purity in the wilderness. The night set in and the excitement for another day kicked in. Waking up to the most beautiful feeling of being there and being in the right circumstance is a feeling all by itself.
I walked into the woods and I embraced it and you let me own it. I gave myself to you with no second thoughts and you gracefully wrapped me. The greenery seems to have been filling up my veins with pleasure and happiness. I knew how to be touched right and how to feel like a human being and you were the one that gifted me the moment to do so.
The sun had a toll on me slowly. The rays seem to be driving me high over my feet and talking deep into me and speaking to me the truth, the voice of gods, the voice of destiny. Reminding me that I wasn’t alone in everything I had to face and to battle through. Adding strength to my nerves the rays seem to be playing with my mind and creating high levels of serotonin in my brain and gushing down my body, tip to toe.
The fresh air of the garden gave me so much positivity and so much joy that can’t be put down in words. Waking up to the serene nature and having the feeling of just being there and not worked up about anything. Being there alone was not a feeling of loneliness or being there just by myself, it was a feeling of completeness… I was at peace!
Nature loves you more than what people could offer you. She offers so much peace, care, affection, forlorn and comfort. Shower her with the same and you’ll know how evolving she is and how accepting she could be.
I stood there at the edge of the lake watching the water ripple back n forth just the way my thoughts were rippling. Stagnant yet moving, yet moving trying to break through the rocks, through the hills, through the trees. I watched the sun go down and darken the setting and set the mood for a perfectly imperfect match mind. The words spoken by your presence vows made at your seat, still seem to be lingering in each of those ripples. A perfect sense of acceptance, dignity attained, the righteousness of owning up to the person for all the dishonour they may add upon you. All those dismay shed upon you seems to be resonating within you. But one thing that I knew was it to be set aside and looked at the colours of the sky, fading away and blooming into more marvellous alluring feeling.
I sit there on the terrace, a quiet evening where I watch the sunset and stars rise above making the evening even more mesmerising.
I think to myself what a wonderful evening?
I pick up my phone and text you, “Hey, I wish you were here! It’s a pleasant evening and it would be beautiful to fall asleep hugging you tight.” I smile like a fool looking at my text imagining the exact same thing. And I put my phone down hoping you’d see and text back saying “I wish that too. But nevertheless, imagine me there right beside you is cuddling.”
But little did I know you’d not see my texts and answer my phone for days. And not even check up on me.
Now, I sit here all by myself reflecting on my decisions and where did I go wrong? And what did I do to deserve this? I realised, I just wasn’t with the right person and I just didn’t the signs hanging out in the air
I’ve always been that person who never thought who could be sad or who could get over things very fast. People would call me “The happy child”. I was always tagged with this. Nobody knew what it would feel like to break on the inside and not being able to speak what you feel and what you think.
Somedays are too chaotic outside, somedays on the inside, somedays you don’t know what is chaotic, somedays you don’t know what is it that’s bothering you, is it an external factor or an internal factor or is there even a thing that exists that bothers you?
As I grew up, I always knew how to hide everything behind the smile and every emotion covered with that smile that created positivity for everyone around. I thought I was talented enough to do so, I was talented enough to keep all emotions safe inside and not let go of them.
I met this person, who changed a lot about me and in me.
An angel that made me feel, this is where I belong, this is the person I need to live with and this is where your emotions have to be shared.
That person turned out not just to be my Goddess or my angel, but…
Turned out to make me feel protected against all the odds like a FATHER does to his child.
Turned out to make me feel loved, cared and wanted only my happiness at all times, like a MOTHER.
Turned out to be the shoulder I needed to shed my emotions like a BEST FRIEND.
That person fixed so many unknown and incomplete spaces in the puzzle.
That person was also the reason the puzzle could never be complete, it was this person that I always needed to complete my self and that person fit in so perfectly that, the beauty of the puzzle revealed to be a better one than the image on the cover of the box.
That person turned out to fit so perfectly unlike all the other puzzle pieces that tried to fit into the empty spaces.
Maybe that’s the reason it felt so chaotic before because there were so many spaces that could never be complete and all the people kept competing to fit themselves into it, leaving major scars and bruises so deep that could never be erased.
Maybe that is why the path was always so hard and filled with obstacles and it took long years to reach this destination.
As they say, every good thing comes with a price and takes a lot of time and patience to reach.
And now every obstacle and hardship is revealed to be so fruitful.
And that person be it yesterday, today or tomorrow or years to come will always remain YOU!
You’re the reason behind all my happiness in these years.
They’ve been days even without knowing you’ve just made me feel so complete and so important and loved.
When I thought the lights are never going to be lite, you walked with so much glow like the sun and lightened every single cell in me.
When I thought it’s never going to be a beautiful sight, you walked in with your smile and made every single aspect to be so beautiful.
When I thought I’m always going to feel the spaces between my fingers to be empty, you put your hand and covered all of them even the tiniest space possible.
When I thought I’ll always have the seat next to me empty no matter what the path is going to be, you sat down on that seat, not just sat down on that seat but you sat down on the driver’s seat and now you take me to places I’ve never been and I thought I’d never can reach.
When I thought that dreams are going to always be scary and emotionally kill me, you walked in there too and made sure the fears and the emotions fade out completely.
When I thought I could never have someone all to myself, you walked in and said “YOU ARE MINE”, even before I could say it to you.
When I thought it’s never going to be happy, you walked in as the HAPPINESS all in you, even without your knowledge.
Even without saying anything, you just complete me in all possible ways and you’ll always be the reason for me to feel happy and content. You’ll always be there behind each of my smile and each of my thought and each of my spell and each of my prayer. Your love has changed me so much that today I want to be happy and I want to feel all the happiness by just sharing all my days with YOU. Today, even without speaking a word you know what I feel, you know what I’m thinking and you know how chaotic it is up in the head and you know how to fix it too.
You’re my happy place, you’re my support system, you’re my happy shore, you’re my goddess, you’re my angel and you’re my everything! This is you for me forever and beyond.
Homophobia and Transphobia are always misread and misspoken about. There’s always that sense of fear that is still present in every single individual around the world who is trying to come out and be the person they want to be. And it is not just once that they have to convince people. It’s all the time when people talk and pick on them for their sexual choices. Every individual by birth is not sure of his/her orientation. And it is very important to know that, judging someone by their orientation or having an opinion is so wrong at this point in time.
There’s often a lot of people who ask you about your orientation, who ask you about your choice of individuality. Well, I do know everyone’s thinking back on their mind this is not new for them and it isn’t the first time something like these that they have to face. It has been there through aeons that people have to fight for who they have to be and want to be. We fought for freedom only to be shackled by the societal boundaries we fought societal boundaries only to be shackled by our family We fought family only to be shackled by our brain. We are and we will keep fighting the shackles we’ve made for ourselves in our brain. A set of shackles that have lasted decades… When one fades, another appears and the cycle continues! When people decided to finally break these harnesses and walk free, they were obstructed by a new set of challenges and barricades.
We want to live in a world that is less judgemental, less opinionated and a society that doesn’t have advice ready and free when it is not applicable in their own lives. We need people to treat everyone as mere people, that is all we ask for. That’s when we the society will support any individual with love, compassion and RESPECT!
Well, some people think of it as a disease or a disorder or some kind of syndrome that can be fixed with just a pill or by any treatment. Think about it, if it was a condition, then so many people wouldn’t have it and it could’ve been a PANDEMIC years ago and like what we’re doing today, the quarantine would’ve existed for years and probably existed till date. If it was so easy to fix it, then maybe we should’ve invented a vaccine that could be used to fix millions of people across the globe. Let’s believe in something today, love is love. There are no thresholds, there are no choices, there are no specifications, nothing! We are not caged organisms that we have to have a set of rules and regulations even for the way we want to live and to love. We have to have freedom of choice, freedom of happiness and freedom to be in love. And now that freedom is out there, unrestricted and open.
Every time somebody questioned me I painted myself with a colour I painted red when it hurt I painted orange when it was dusky I painted yellow when it was bright I painted green when it was numb I painted blue when it seemed to be soothing I painted violet when it was cliche I painted all colours on me I looked like a rainbow shining high and bright from the vessel of gold I checked on me if I was the gold? The hidden golden pot where the rainbow arises I looked deeper in me only to realise, I painted myself in PRIDE! My pride colour is a rainbow! And I’m proud of my pride!
There’s somebody, who says that my eyes are pretty. There’s somebody, who says that there’s a sparkle in my eyes. There’s somebody, who says I have a beautiful smile and that in turn makes them smile There’s somebody who always reminds me that I’m pretty I hope you find somebody too. That somebody who reminds every single day that you’re beautiful inside out. I hope that somebody is you, yourself. Every day, when you look at yourself you know that you are beautiful in all the way possible!
The day you’re born they call it your birthday. And they celebrate it as the most mesmerising day when you’re young, as you grow old, it fades out, you know that most of your family won’t even remember it’s your birthday or it’s a special or an important day to you.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who tell you, “You know what? We’ll make this birthday of yours special, we’ll cut the cake, we’ll spend the entire day chilling together”. But when the day arrives, you know they don’t even remember what they said to you, they don’t even know if you’re doing okay, they won’t know anything about you.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who will call you throughout your birthday month just to remind you it’s your birthday.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you through your birthday month, now call you a week before to say, I remember it’s coming.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who call you a week before, now call you the previous day to tell you it is tomorrow.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the previous day, now call you maybe at 12.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you at 12 will now call you the next day morning.
As you grow, you’ll make friends, friends who called you the next day morning, call you mid-afternoon and slowly the next year it is an hour before the day ends and slowly and gracefully it’s the end of time until you remember a friend of yours existed, that one who wished you throughout but now doesn’t even remember what day it is.
Birthdays might not be a big day for most of us, but a wish, prayer is all that someone asks for. Your wish might just light up their day from being a disaster to a good one. Maybe not all birthdays are always happy and happening, most birthdays are quiet, alone, lonely and no hype at all, regardless of how bad or good it was the previous years.
As you grow, you’ll realise it’s just another day in your calendar and just another to breathe through with heart full of expectations and mind full of joy. But let’s face it, your expectations and your joy have no value when you think about it sooner or later.
As you grow, you’ll see how things fade into the dark, from having a big group to a small circle to a couple of them and then it finally comes down to just that one person who values you and knows it’s your day and they want to make sure you’re happy. Maybe they’ll fail too, but yeah effort is all that matters. You’ll end up messing your own day, you’ll end up taking things personally (well all of us are emotional beings).
Maybe birthdays are meant to be just another day on the calendar.
Life changes, thoughts changes, emotions change, you reach a point where you feel nothing or say anything, and you just grow old, and grow numb.