Dear APPA,

I wait beside you, waiting for you to open your eyes and say let’s go home, what are you wasting your time here for?
I wait here for you to open your eyes and give me that innocent smile
I wait here for you to just get up and tell me lets leave this place
And then there’s the flash of reality that speaks to me in a deep voice, ”Who are you talking to? There’s nobody here asleep or even beside you”.

That’s when I realise, I’ve talked to myself and been playing this monologue for years and years now. But it never fails to surprise me and surplus the reality check card to me.

I speak in my head to you and draw a silhouette of how and what it is to be with you and what I would do with you around me.
You would probably be my reflection protecting me day in and day out.
You would probably be my best friend that I failed to make one.
You would probably be my crazy partner that I always crave.
You would have probably fought the world for me to keep me safe in your arms.
You would have made sure and supported all my choices and my decisions, even if they were the worst of the lot.
You would have reminded me of what it is to be a noblewoman.
You would have chosen the right person and I would have had no second thoughts and second you with all the choices you made for me.
You would have been the IDEAL man/person I look up to and you would have been the person who taught me to put my head down only to pick up myself and not in times of question.
You would have been everything I dreamt and dream of even how as on this down with tears running down my cheek.
Well, only if you knew what it’s meant to have a life of question, a life of judgements, a life of disrespect.
I do not miss you Appa, I miss the person I drew in my mind

If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you make me feel your presence at the beginning?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you fight for my birth?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to make me realise your absence that will haunt me for life?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you have to protect me and not let me build my own armour?
If you weren’t going to be here for long why did you even have to come in the first place?
Why did you even create a little one like me?
Why were you even there, when you knew you weren’t going to be here for long?
Why did you?